Social Media Authenticity. How I Balance My Social Media, and Manage My Mental Health

Surreal imagery with written authenticity is how I have decided to build my ‘social media universe’. It was a well thought out and deliberate decision. 

I very much believe the lives we lead in the 3D and the lives we live online, are not the same… as much as we might try to bridge the divide.  Social media has become so complex and multifaceted, we are essentially able to build a little universe in our phones. With the constant debates about what social media authenticity ‘should’ look like, I feel humanity is still adjusting to existing in more than one place. 

This is an honest account of my own ‘growing pains’ in the world of social media. 

I have always strived to be an authentic person. My nature is rebellious. My words not exactly saccharine. I have done things like left a fundamentalist religion and cut ties with toxic communities. This did not make me popular, but I always refused to act as someone I am not for the sake of fitting in. 

Then social media came along. I was actually very late to the party and fought to avoid It. I did not care for the fakeness of It all. But then I realized It gave me opportunities to share my Art and connect with likeminded souls. That part I loved, but there was another part I really hated.

I despised moments like being in nature looking at the perfect sunset, or having a fun night out… and feeling that urge to document the event on social media. I felt the switch between the two realities, and it jarred me, I didn’t like blending my two worlds. 

As this was not exactly my cup of tea… I decided to have a small personal page with only good friends where I posted on from time to time, and another for my alt fashion business. This plan also ‘blew up’ as the page grew popular. Being human, I lost myself in my brand. I was getting delicious little ego cookies and praise for my work… so I just… disappeared over time, I stopped caring about my appearance and lived reality… I only existed to create. My trauma also contributed to this, which I will explain soon. 

Because I was unbalanced, both of my realities became unsustainable. I walked away from my brand and experienced my dark night of the soul. I achieved my dreams and I felt I bungled them. Later, as I embraced the lefthand path, I began working with Lilith.

Under Lilith’s direction I was advised to do something I did NOT want to do. I was to start this page and rebuild what I had created before. But this time, I was to balance it between mind, body, and spirit. A tough challenge.

In all honesty… I’m a wordy one. I know It. I knew making art and writing about occultism was going to be fun. I was not excited about the ‘body’ part. I do not enjoy getting behind a camera and showing my face and body. It wasn’t because I feel poorly about my body or appearance, I’ve actually been recovered from an eating disorder for years… so I’m really proud of how emotionally balanced I am in that area. It is difficult for me because a significant level of my triggers arise when others notice me physically. A deep rooted fear response kicks in, even with the most benign of compliments, and in the overt/inappropriate ones… I freeze and don’t stand up for myself. This is what Lilith directed me to work on. I couldn’t be controlled by this fear any longer. 

So… like a chaos magician… I sat and thought about the world I wanted to create. Not necessarily what was ‘on trend’ or what would be universally liked… I thought about what would make me the most comfortable while pushing myself out of my comfort zone. I decided on performance art. I knew I wanted my paintings to be mostly self portraiture to force the ‘body’ balance. And I decided to make all my selfies and videos their own form of surrealism. 

This is why I always have a black background like I do in my paintings. It is why I tweak the contrast and colors so fiercely… I want them to look like a living painting so I can feel I’m creating a piece of art and ease my nerves. I also love having the clear divide between my 3D world and my social media one… I know when the makeup goes on and the background comes up it’s time to be playful with my performances… and when the makeup comes off I can resume life as usual.

Thus far, it’s been working well with a few hiccups. I’m only human after all. (Closes down all DM’s and responses for weeks, you know). But… this is where I choose to be authentic and vulnerable. I want to open discussions to subjects like how social media affects our mental health in a real way. And maybe, my account will touch somebody else who struggles with the same thing.

How does social media affect your mental health? Do you ever feel overwhelmed or divided? I can also say this… don’t let anyone pressure you into being their definition of ‘authentic’. Show up however YOU want on social media.