Are They Really Toxic? Or Are You Just Incompatible?

Something I come across frequently on social media is the phrase ‘toxic people’. It is one of my least favourite words because I think it’s a lazy overgeneralisation. Humans are too complex to be written off a toxic or nontoxic. We aren’t crayons. 

Even the worst of people have their good points and the best of people have their bad.  The trick is in identifying which ‘bad’ traits are nonnegotiable for you. 

This is why using the concept of toxic people didn’t work for me long term. I wasn’t critically thinking about ‘why’ I found some people to be toxic. I just labelled and discarded. But, I kept attracting the same kind of people, over and over again.  

I saw this was enough of a problem that I needed to address it. I was after all, the common denominator. And no, it was not that I was a toxic person who attracted toxic people. (I will have another article on that gem.) The problem was I was oversimplifying the nature of others, and I wasn’t fully accepting my own mental health hurdles. 

The reality of it was, I didn’t want to accept my own self perceived limitations, so I was letting everyone run amuck all over my feelings.  It wasn’t anyone’s fault, we were just unaware and poorly matched.  The moment I came to accept that I live with CPTSD, and I need to take care of my needs first… that was the moment the pattern stopped. 

Here is why. 

I stopped labelling and I really thought about what my needs were, without judging myself. I found I have a lower tolerance for constant volatile emotions, especially anger, because they make me feel afraid. I do not do well with domineering personality types as I have a fawn trauma response. I’m not compatible with clingy people because I need a lot of alone time. On the flip side, I do not do well with avoidant attachment styles either because I need to feel routinely safe. I need relationships where verbal boundary setting is a normal aspect of relationship hygiene. These are things I need to have a healthy relationship. 

I take a good amount of time really getting to know people before I consider them friends. And this is because I know I need to be aware of my needs and boundaries. I patiently assess new connections to see if we’re a healthy match. Sometimes, new connections don’t work out… but now I don’t label, and I understand why it didn’t work. I use those situations as an opportunity to gain more emotional intelligence about my needs. I also analyse whether or not my old ‘stuff’ allowed the relationship to turn sour. 

The reason why I have elaborated as I have is I want to convey all the layers which create our relationships with others. It’s a call to awareness. For those who are new to spirituality, it is extremely common to lose a lot of ‘toxic’ connections. And, because you have new spiritual insights, that purge feels really good. It stops feeling good when it becomes a pattern. At that point, it can become emotional unavailability and poor coping skills.  

Don’t fall into that lonely, exhausting pit. 

If you find yourself constantly drained by the people around you. Or if you find yourself always cutting off circles of friends for new ones, it might be time to really start looking at your wants, needs, boundaries, and limitations to decide what and who are compatible for you.

Remember my lovelies, do your research, and in this case… know yourself.