Learning to Meet The Needs Our Caretakers Couldn’t. Reparenting and the Four Of Swords.
In the Rider Waite Smith four of swords we see a knight laying in a position of rest after battle. Three swords hang above, a reminder of the painful past involving emotional wounding. The fourth sword lies below him, in indicator the war is over. His hands are in a prayer position signifying peaceful contemplation.
Whenever I have encountered this card, I always interpret it as a signal I need to rest. But when my emotions are at an all time high, it is nearly impossible to switch my mind to a resting state. I pulled this card for a good friend and discovered they too experience this same overwhelm. This led me to think… why can’t some of us tap into our innate needs so we can find the peace we need?
My answer was found in the upper left portion of this card. I have never paid close attention to the figures in the stained glass window. My focus always went right to the Knight.
In the stained glass we see a mother and a child. A universal symbol of nurture. For children with healthy attachment styles and safe upbringings, nurturing their own needs is instinct. On the other hand, children who did not have their needs met as children never learned these skills.
Trying to find rest and nurture with a wounded inner child can feel overwhelming. All the bubble baths and comfort food in the world cannot take the place of the comforting wisdom of a caretaker, guiding a young soul on ways they need to self regulate.
The good news is, once we become conscious of this wound and acknowledge the areas which we feel ‘lost’. We can begin to show up for ourselves in the ways our caretakers did not.
When I am reparenting myself, I step into the role of an adult and parent. I look at myself as a young child. There are structured ways to do this… but I tend to take on this project in a more literal form. If I was taking care of a child in distress… what would I do?
The first thing I would do is asses physical needs. Is ‘the child’ (myself) tired or hungry? If so I’d make sure they had rest and nutritious food. I’d ask them to name what emotions they are feeling, and I’d help them navigate them patiently. I’d teach them how to hold space for big emotions and keep reassuring them they are safe. Feeling is normal, and even if It feels scary it will pass. I wouldn’t leave them alone because I was bothered by an outburst. As an adult, I’d help them manage. If they became too out of control, I’d show them what healthy boundaries and communication methods look like. And most importantly… anytime I didn’t have answers as a parent, I’d research and find them. (Actual parenting articles and books have been incredible for this)
Reparenting is something which has been part of my personal practice for many years. It has really helped me learn what my needs are, so when I encounter this four of swords energy I can identify immediate needs. I am always learning new things and perfecting reparenting. Be patient with yourself as you do this. It’s very normal to feel overwhelm and pain as you step into the role of a parent, they do say it’s one of the hardest jobs for good reason.
We all deserve to have to ability to authentically rest after conflict and pain.
If you are interested on learning how to reparent. I suggest finding articles and literature involving inner child work, childhood neglect, surviving codependent families, and of course… reparenting.
As always, do your research.
